"Hello, Evildoers, welcome to the program! I am my kid’s mom and God’s only spokesperson here on Earth!"
A Spoof on the Dr. Laura Show
by Cheryl Seal
Now for the first time, we offer you an up close and personal look at the making of the Doctor Laura show. That's as in Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Phd...as in doctor of physiology (we're not sure what KIND of physiology, but we assume it could be human!). The typical show begins with the crucial prescreening process.....
SCREENER: Hi, there.
CALLER: My name is Jane Smith. I’m from Red Neck Idaho and I have a moral dilemma...
SCREENER: Hold on, Jane! Before you get into that, I need to ask you a few questions
SCREENER: Are you white?
JANE: Why, of course!
SCREENER: Good. We’ve already had one nonwhite caller today plus one guy with a heavy accent. That’s Dr. Laura’s quota until Friday. You aren’t gay, are you?
SCREENER: You didn’t vote for Nader or Gore, did you?
JANE: No….(in shamed tone) I… uh, didn’t vote at all.
SCREENER: That’s fine, we prefer nonvoters to wrong voters. Do you attend a church or synagogue on a regular basis?
JANE: Well…I go to church, but…not every Sunday
SCREENER: Not a Unitarian Universalist or a Quaker are you? We don’t want any anti-war (with sarcastic emphasis) intellectuals on the program.
JANE: I’m a Baptist
SCREENER: Oh, good. Dr. Laura likes Baptists – especially the hellfire and brimstoners. OK. Next question: Do you accept Dr. Laura as your personal savior and God’s spokesperson here on Earth and believe that Dr. Laura, the Republican Party and the Rev. Sun Myung Moon are the only ones truly anointed by the Almighty to fight evil as defined by Dr. Laura and our glorious and God-fearing president George W. Bush?
JANE: (Very long pause). Well….uh…..
SCREENER: That pause sounds very un-American to me, Jane.
JANE: Oh, dear! I don’t want to sound un-American…so…well, I guess so.
SCREENER: That’s better. Now, then – do you have a Bible handy?
JANE: Sure, but…
SCREENER: Go get it!
(There’s a long pause. We hear the station musak in the background, playing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” as sung by the Boys’ Town “Reeducated Orphans Choir”)
JANE: I got it!
SCREENER: Put your right hand on that Bible and repeat after me: “I swear that I will not question anything Dr. Laura says, that I will not argue with her opinions, that I will place her advice above all others, including any advice offered by my pastor, therapist, closest friends, family members, and all others who know we best, so help me God.
JANE: (Long pause) Well….
SCREENER: You’re sounding un-American again, Jane...
JANE: Oh! Oh, dear….OK, I swear…I mean, to everything you just said.
SCREENER: That’s good. Well, you’ve made the cut. We’ll call you when your turn comes up.
JANE: But don’t you want to hear about my moral dilemma?
SCREENER: That part’s not important. My job is just to make sure you sound like a God-fearing and totally codependent – er, I mean patriotic - American.
JANE: But I thought –
---- THREE DAYS LATER ----
It is 7:45 am at Jane’s house on a Friday morning. The kitchen is a mess as she frantically finishes feeding her FOUR CHILDREN and trying to find their books and shoes and socks. The PHONE RINGS
SCREENER: Hi, Jane Smith?
SCREENER: Doctor Laura’s on the line! I’ll put you right through.
JANE: Right now? But –
DR LAURA: Hello Jane, welcome to the program!
JANE: Dr. Laura?! (Jane’s kids are yelling in background, a dish breaks, door bangs) I didn’t expect you to call…I waited for three days by the phone every morning….and right now everything’s really kind of hectic…
DR LAURA: Don’t whine, Jane! Do you have any idea how valuable MY TIME is?
JANE: (meekly) I know, Dr. Laura….it’s just that my kids have to be to the bus stop in five minutes…
DR LAURA: (Shamingly) You’re whining again Jane.
(In background kids are yelling “MOM! MOM!”)
JANE: I’m not whining, Dr. Laura…it just is a really bad time…
DR LAURA: I can’t help you if you’re going to whine, Jane.
JANE: But my kids are going to miss the bus…
DR LAURA: Whine, whine, whine! That’s your problem, Jane. You’re always feeling sorry for yourself, aren’t you?
JANE: No! (she catches herself and her voice shifts to the simpering tone required by Dr. L) I mean….it’s just that I have to get ready for work as soon as the kids are gone…
DR LAURA: Work! HOW DARE YOU go off to work with four kids!
JANE: I’m a single mom, Dr. Laura, and I don’t have any other choice….But I’m always home by 5:00 p.m…
DR LAURA: You are such a whiner, Jane! Of course you realize that I managed to be at home for my kids every second of every waking hour of their lives…
JANE: But, I thought you only had one child…
DR LAURA: One kid, 10 kids, it’s all the same thing.
JANE: (in a more assertive tone) Well, not really!
SCREENER: (in background whisper) You’re sounding un-American, Jane.
DR LAURA: The point is, I was a stay at home mom! It was a monumental, horrendous, gut-wrenching, heroic struggle for which I expect to someday be sainted, but I did it! My whole life has been lived for Derek and for What’s His Name – Derek’s father.
JANE: But Dr Laura, you were lucky – you had a husband and a really good income!
DR LAURA: $100,000 a year or $100 a year – what’s the difference? Your job is to take care of those kids!
JANE: I do! But I need money to take care of them with…
DR LAURA: Well, then, go on Welfare! That’s what it’s there for. But if you do, don’t come crying to me because I don;’t take calls from losers on Welfare.
JANE: Don’t you want to hear my moral dilemma?
DR LAURA: I’m not a psychic Jane. If you don’t get to the point, what do you expect me to do about it?
JANE: But you didn’t give me a chance to tell you…
DR LAURA: You’re arguing with me Jane. Didn’t the screener give you a little chat?
JANE: I’m sorry…It’s just that…
DR LAURA Tell me your little moral dilemma in one sentence and make it short because God and I don’t have time for Welfare whiners.
JANE: My kids can’t visit their Dad very often since we moved here to this nice little farm town, where we have a really nice little house with a great big yard and a really nice school two blocks away….
DR LAURA: Get to the point if there is one, Jane. God and I are getting impatient.
JANE: Well, you see, the problem is that my husband still lives back in our old apartment back in South Central LA…there’s all sorts of gang shootouts going on there all the time, and crack sellers everywhere…that’s why I left…
DR LAURA: (With much righteous indignation) You should NEVER have moved your children away from their father! You have broken up your family and scarred everyone for life! You must move those kids right back to South Central LA to be near their father. That is what God wants you to do.
JANE: But I have a good job and a wonderful neighborhood here… our old neighborhood was horrible…everyone took guns and knives to school and my kids got beaten up every other day!
DR LAURA: Too bad! Kids have to learn what real life is all about. If they are miserable, that’ll just help them grow and learn social skills. When Derek was a boy, I MADE him go to that tiny, exclusive private Hebrew school in Malibu Beach. He didn’t want to, but I hung tough and he survived.
JANE: But that isn’t the same thing…
DR LAURA: Malibu, South Central LA – it’s all the same! You go back to LA and move back in with your husband and go on Welfare. The important thing is that the family stays together.
JANE: (Sobbing) I CAN’T go back there! It would ruin my life!
SCREENER: (whispering) Don’t be un-American, Jane…
DR LAURA: Whine, whine, whine!
JANE: (Plaintively) God wouldn’t want us to be that unhappy!
DR LAURA: Excuse me, but I am the only one in the Western Hemisphere and possibly the Solar System who speaks for God. And God says for you to go back to South Central LA, put your kids back in their old school and go on Welfare.
DR LAURA: Can you believe that! Moves her four kids away from their Dad, then whines about it.
Well, tune in next week for a special series of uplifting patriotic shows! On Monday I’lll be doing an interview with John Ashcroft. Our favorite Inquistor will offer tips on how you too can spy on your liberal neighbors for God and tell us what every God-fearing patriot needs to know about swarthy people, gays, intellectuals and other suspicious people. John will also share great tips on how to rig media polls, how to organize book burnings in your neighborhood and what to look for when picking sites for humane detention camps for evildoers.
On Tuesday we will have Billy Graham’s son here with us to talk about his new campaign, “Compassionate Cluster Bombing for Jesus.” On Wednesday, Elizabeth Dole will talk about how parents can turn the maiming and killing of Afghan children into a shared growth experience for both themselves and their kids. On Thursday, Laura Bush will talk about how she plans to show her support of women who have been raped and beaten by the Northern Alliance troops by organizing a massive air drop of anti-abortion literature into newly-stormed urban areas. Friday Rudy Guilliani will be here to let me drool on him while he talks about the anti-Artist crusade he plans to launch as the next director of Homeland Security.
Now go and do the right thing!