Citing "Failed Presidency," George W. Bush Resigns (Satire)
By BOB FERTIK, Democrats.com News
HEAVEN, April 18 - Citing his disappointment over a "failed presidency," George W. Bush today resigned as President of the United States.
In a letter to House Speaker Dennis Hastert, Bush wrote, "In the wake of the failed attempt to overthrow President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, I too have taken time to reflect on my actions in office. In the course of my Presidential campaign, I made many promises that I have failed to keep. These included preserving the Social Security Trust Fund and giving seniors a prescription drug benefit. I also promised to restore honor and integrity to the White House, by imposing the strictest ethical standards on my appointees, including those from Enron. I promised the world a 'humble' foreign policy, and peace in the Middle East. By these standards, I believe I have presided over a failed Presidency, and have therefore decided the only way I can honor my promises to the American people is to resign."
Reactions to Mr. Bush's announcement were mixed. "I am shocked and horrified by President Bush's letter," said Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott (R-Miss.). "President Bush is betraying the Republican Party, which fought so hard to get him into the White House, even though he lost the popular vote - including Florida," Lott added.
But others welcomed Mr. Bush's announcement. "I am delighted to learn of Mr. Bush's courageous and principled action," said Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. "While the White House incorrectly believes that winning a free and fair election is insufficient to establish the legitimacy of a President, it is certainly true that losing such an election makes one completely illegitimate," he added.
"Moreover, Mr. Bush's policies have been extremely unfair to working people and the poor, who have seen crucial programs cut into order to give tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans," Chavez continued. "Mr. Bush's efforts to interfere with the traditional independence the of Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons, in order to create a pretext for a war in Iraq, was the final straw for millions of Americans, who planned massive protests on April 20," he said.
In Washington, Assistant Secretary of State Otto Reich assembled a group of Latin American ambassadors to explain the situation. "I never urged Mr. Bush to resign," Reich reportedly told the ambassadors. "He was furious at me for violating democratic principles by encouraging a coup in Venezuela - and then lying about it - but I promised him I would never do it again. He said he could no longer trust me, especially considering my past involvement with terrorists like Orlando Bosch," Reich reportedly said.
In his letter, Bush said that Vice President Dick Cheney would resign first, so Bush could appoint Al Gore as Vice President, after which Bush himself would resign, making Gore President. "I have come to believe the American people spoke from their hearts on November 7, 2000, when they elected Al Gore instead of me. Al Gore has not wavered from the principles he articulated during the campaign, and I believe he is the President the American people deserve. I wish him godspeed," Mr. Bush added.
In response, Al Gore spoke to reporters from his home in Tennessee, but none of them took notes.