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(Beware of the Lobsterman)

By W. David Jenkins III (dumod@aol.com)

Oh, dear Lord, the world is falling apart. The Middle East is a time bomb. Nobody in charge knows what to do. There are terrorists everywhere and I don't know what color Tom Ridge says today is. The economy is in questionable condition. People are getting laid off left and right. Al Qaeda is hiding in our back yards. Ashcroft has his hands full spying on and arresting lawyers unless he's playing crappy piano on Letterman. We're going to be over run with terrorists any minute now. Oh my God, there's only one thing left to do! I'm going to call 1-800-USA-CORPS. That's what George W. Bush said. Call 1-800-872-2677 and sign up to do your part to spy on your neighbor!

I listened on April 8th to our fearless commander speaking in Knoxville, Tennessee. My God, he was good. He brought chills to my spine as he took the torch of leadership and let us all in on what we need to do to combat "terra-ism" here at home. My eyes filled with tears of pride listening to his steadfast warnings of protecting freedom and maintaining the security of America. He spoke of the protection of the "freedom to worship" and said the terrorists hated our freedom of "honest political discourse." Then he had the people who booed him and heckled him removed and questioned by the Secret Service agents he had with him. How dare they make fun of the Commander in Chief! So what if he proceeded to give one of the most ridiculous speeches ever! I swear, I played it back on the C-Span web site and laughed so hard I cried. You folks really need to go and check it out if you missed it.

I really loved this speech. Bush managed to spell out so clearly what we all needed to do. As he said,"I recognize the best way to secure our homeland is to find the enemy wherever they hide. There's some sti-um-if-um-stu-sti-um-if…..stuff we need to do." You folks remember Porky Pig, right? Well, he was in Knoxville posing as the president.

Now before I go any further, please don't call the phone numbers I listed above. Those numbers are just another Bush II screw up from the Knoxville speech. See, if you wanna spy on your neighbor and call that number Bush listed, you're going to get the Howard Group. Now the Howard Group is a nationwide employment agency, based in Los Angeles who has been a victim of Bush's ineptitude with numbers, which would explain his budget figures. These poor people spent the whole first part of the week answering calls and trying to explain that Bush screwed up. Again. See, Bush used their number a few months ago with another one of his cockamamie ideas and they went through the same thing. Let me say that the folks at the Howard Group have a great sense of humor but they wish George "The Imposter" would get his number concepts in order. Moving right along.

Bush was at his un-chaperoned finest that day. People heard things that astounded them with pride in the assumed leader of the free world. But I must admit, there were many unfinished statements. For instance, in reference to the terrorists he stated "We don't seek revenge!" Well, of course "we" don't, we seek a pipeline in Afghanistan, silly. But we are going to imprison people without charge indefinitely and if they get on our bad side we will simply send them off to Egypt or Jordan to be tortured. Oh, I'm sorry, "questioned." That's what Uncle Rummy calls it.

Then, one of my favorite statements, "The American people know what I know." Um, no George, the American people know more than you know. Heck, we all knew that a long time ago. No new news there. The only people who know less than you and us are the ones who still cheer and wave flags when you say those tired old clichés you've become famous for. "Hunt 'em down and Smoke 'em out" you keep saying. Or here's a good one. "There is no cave deep enough to hide from the American people" you said. I don't know, George. If you ask me, I think bin Laden found one. Hell, so has Cheney for that matter. Just because he's no longer important to you anymore doesn't mean your biggest supporter, Jethro from Crappy's Bar doesn't want a piece of him. Face it, George, bin Laden's made you look ineffectual. Hell, so has Cheney for that matter.

Then the Bush's kid said a few things that got me wondering. He spoke of the coalition. You remember. The group of Arab countries and European countries that basically said to go ahead and bomb Afghanistan. Well, he referred to the "coalition that refuses to bend." Okay, look George, we know the mainstream media is about as valuable as anything you'd find at the Dollar Store, but even they're reporting that your "coalition" is starting to look like a pair of frayed jeans. You've been shooting off your mouth about "the axis of evil" and "evil doers." Cheney's declared Iraq as a threat to security without mentioning that Halliburton Corp. under his watch sold Hussein over 23 million dollars worth of weapons technology. Then, of course, we have you acting like M*A*S*H's Frank Burns when it comes to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

"Aw, C'mon, pals. Can't we all be just buddies at the front?"

I swear, George, you have to stop this. You're embarrassing us in front of the whole world. I wouldn't be surprised if your Mom was slapping your Poppy upside the head for rigging the "election." I can just hear her now.

"Dammit, Poppy, this was YOUR (smack) idea! Now look what he's done."

Then George went on with the usual crap. The old "If you're not with us you're against us" stuff. Then he went on to say something about "senior citi-skins." He also made a strange remark about how well we're "sharing information." Now, I would bet there are some of my fellow New Yorkers who recently learned how Bush Inc. had withheld information about a possible nuking of the Big Apple who would beg to differ with this remark. But why nit pick? But then his remarks got weird. Okay, weirder.

He started talking about this citizen watch idea of his and all of a sudden I'm not sure if I want to vacation on Cape Cod this summer.

See, I have a favorite place near Wood's Hole on the Cape. Nobska lighthouse over looks Martha's Vineyard and there's a huge rock where I like to sit for hours. One of the things I like to do is watch the lobster boats do their work. But, now Bush has made me wonder if this is a good idea. See, he wants, I think, the lobstermen and truckers and utility workers to watch us. Or maybe we're supposed to watch them. He really didn't make that clear. Now logic would have it that as a lobsterman, as Bush calls 'em, they should be watching the shore for anything "suspicious." Never mind that they have 7 to 8 pounds of snapping claws attached to the crustacean their handling. They're supposed to be busy watching me and others on the beach. But, on the other hand, if I see a lobsterman throw one back into the water should I assume he's attached a bomb to it? Maybe he wants to blow up Falmouth, y'know? And what about the truckers and utility workers? Are we supposed to turn in the cable guy cause he didn't show up when they said he would be there? I mean, what if he's out rigging people's cable so all they can get is Fox News? Does that count? Isn't that terrorism? I'm so confused. My neighbor's garbage cans are red, so does that mean they're a threat? What if they're communists? My dog barks and I don't know what he's trying to say. He's speaking a foreign language. Should he be under suspicion too? Just what the heck are we supposed to do?

George also said that the best way to combat terrorism is to put a face on America. A "true face." Unfortunately the only one the world sees is yours, George, and that is not the true face. Not even close. And the people who booed you and jeered you knew that. We can only hope that the rest of the world knows that too. The leader of the free world, last Monday, came across like an absolute idiot. He couldn't speak, he couldn't make sense, he stumbled grammatically, and he was justifiably jeered by a brave and fortunate few. And there are multitudes waiting for the same opportunity. The leader of the free world sounded like a stoned robot, except for when he ventured off script. Then he sounded like Porky Pig. Then he hauled off and said, "We're doing a good job of buttoning up our country." Oh, I don't think so.

Button this, Mr. "President."

We're just getting warmed up.