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A Peek Inside Osama bin Laden's Diary
By Bernard Weiner

Dear Diary: Allah be praised, I'm still alive! And more praise to Him: the Americans and their lackeys are even less intelligent than we imagined. Each time Omar and I and our lieutenants were nearly trapped, we'd have our folks "negotiate" a possible surrender or withdrawal with the Afghan commanders (and their U.S. liaisons) for a few days, during which we'd move out. Thousands of our soldiers were able to disappear into the mountains, back to their villages, and into Pakistan as well. I love Afghanistan: it's such an easy, fluid society. Well, OK, some greedy commanders charged more than we wanted to pay, but what choice did we have? We had to escape to do Allah's will. Often, our ideological brothers in the military, in Pakistan and Afghanistan and elsewhere, provided the means and methods to escape; may Allah reward them.

Meanwhile, the U.S. jets were bombing Tora Bora and, surprise!, we weren't there. Talk about dimwits; I had my aides make a radiophone call in Tora Bora, using a pre-recorded message from me, and those lunkheads figured I had to be there (even though they already knew I don't use the phone anymore), and so the bombing increased and the Afghan troops arrived in force. Meanwhile, I'm over and out and on my way to a new hideout. (Odd thought: This has all been too easy. Maybe the U.S. doesn't WANT to find me; if I remain at large, I'm still the big bogeyman and Bush can do whatever he wants politically in the U.S. Strange, isn't it? The U.S. needs me as "the evildoer," to keep the war hysteria up, and I need them as the "big Satan," to remind the Muslim Nation of the need to pull together against the Western Crusaders.)

Now, it's true that the American infidels and their running dogs have managed to disrupt the important work of our Al Qaida network, what with all the jailings and torturing and detentions and phone taps and so on. But, unlike the infidels, we have a surer sense of history and we therefore have patience.

It will take us awhile to rebuild some of the communication links and so on, but -- in the name of Allah, glory to his cause -- we've only been fighting the infidel world for centuries. The Americans can't see beyond a year or two; we can see the glorious Islamic future, reminding us of our glorious Islamic past. So we carefully repair the damaged structure and move on. (Even if they were unlucky enough to find me -- and they wouldn't find me alive -- Al Qaida will go on fine without me. Allah has blessed our cause with many leaders and many martyrs.)

We've got some more surprises in store for the American devil -- once again, on his turf. It's amazing how little can do so much. A few skyscrapers collapse and the U.S. economy takes a nosedive. Wait until they see what else we have up our sleeves. Again, just a little fright in a population goes a long, long way.

Yes, of course, we're "terrorists." Proud to be so. We have no army, no country, no airforce. They have the big weapons and use them constantly against the forces of Allah worldwide. We have to make do with what we have, and to hit them where it hurts, especially to bring down, or at least do major damage to, their economic system.

I must say that the recently-aired videotape of me speaking so openly about the attacks on the U.S. was unfortunate. I came off looking like an unfeeling monster when I talked about our young martyrs not realizing they were going to their deaths until just before they got on the planes. Allah will understand the military necessities involved. Luckily, the audio/video quality of the tape was so poor, many in the Muslim Nation (and, would you believe it, some conspiracy-theorists in America!) still choose to believe the tape to be a doctored CIA fraud.

Speaking of my Muslim brothers, I am appalled, but not surprised, by how meekly the leaders do the infidels' bidding, without much of a protest, while I am out here in the wilderness, trying to rouse the Muslim Nation to jihad. These false leaders' days are numbered, and Allah -- with a little help from our boys -- will smite them, in Saudi Arabia, in Pakistan and elsewhere. Oh well, the war against the Crusaders will just have to take longer than anticipated; I was hoping for a general uprising, but, alas...

Two other quick items before I have to run (literally!):

1. Arafat, that poseur, is trying to reclaim leadership of the Palestinian movement by blatant attempts to undercut me. I hope someone takes him out. He is a corrupt media hound who dishonored true Muslims by his willingness to seek peace with the Jews. Now he will earn his just reward, and Hamas and Hizbollah will be in place, where Al Qaida can more freely operate. (I could not have purchased a more effective ally than that bloody Jew-beast Sharon, who is making sure there is no peace accord in the Middle East.)

2. What a bonus we've earned in the U.S.! That ignoramus Bush and his even dumber, meaner lieutenant Ashcroft are turning that country into a police state, making it just another large, authoritarian-run country, instead of the unique, freedom-loving (if decadent) place it was before 11 September. And all I had to do was ram a few airplanes into buildings. I love this!

More later, when I'm settled.

Bernard Weiner, Ph.D., is a poet and playwright; he was with the San Francisco Chronicle for nearly 20 years, and has taught international politics at various universities.