Bush's Fairly Well Addressed
Delivered to the House and Senate in Out-of-joint Session 2009
Stirling Newberry firstname.lastname@example.org http://www.mp3.com/ssn
(All good things come to an end. Even though Bush was selected by 55.5% of the votes that mattered - 5-4 in 2000, and by an even larger 66.7% in 2004 by virtue of Bush v Everyone, where the supreme court declared that the constitutional requirement that every state have a republican form of government was supposed to have a capital "R" - his second term ended, and he decided he wanted to retire to being Commissioner of Baseball. In this, his last misspeech as Resident of the United States, Bush looked back at all his Regime had accomplished, and looked forward with nostalgia.)
My fallow Americans -
Together we found a government of action (1), and we left it a government of reaction. Together we found a government where all citizens were equal before the law, and now some are much more equal than others. (2)
Together we found a nation that was mired in the malaise of propserity, and we have created the longest peacetime contraction since 1929. (3)
Together we found a country which was tired of the lies and scandals of the previous President, and by aggressively sweeping under the rug all of my adimistrations activities, made scandals disappear from the news.
We did this as a community of characters. One nation, under occupation, where everyone has as much liberty and justice as they can afford. (4)
All along I said that I was an untier not a decider. (5) And now at the end of my service as Precedent, it seems fitting to look back at all we have accomplished. Some people think of this as an ending, the end of an error - I prefer to think it is not the end, nor even the beginning of the end, but as the bend of the big inning (6). I want to be remembered for my amonclishments (7), so that no one will say that I deliberately tasted two whole worms. (8)
I want to be remembered as the man who put the Con back in the Constitution, who applied the principles of strict deconstructionism (9) to the document upon which this country has foundered. It is a sublime document, and I did its best to sublimate it. For this, I hope to have earned the adimeration of all.
I want to be remembered as the man who prevented the dilution of the votes of military people, and ended forever the system by which they were required to vote only once. They serve the country, so the country should serve them.
I want to be remembered for establishing a hereditary aristocracy in this country, abolishing a tax system which rewarded people for living, and was a tremendous disincentive to trophy wives and children of the rich everywhere. After all, picking ones parents is the most important decision a person makes, and we want to reward those who chose their parents correctly. (10)
I want to be remembered as the Precedent who stood firm against people's right to vote, instead, placing this country on the same firm footing of corporate governance - the Board of Directors selects the CEO, and the CEO selects the Board of Directors. It is this system that created this great country. A place where all corporate citizens can be free. (11)
I want to be remembered as the man who would make sure that each and every child would get his USDA awolance (12) of important numerals such as Arsenic and breath fresh Methane and Carbon Dioxide. (13)
I want to be remembered as a buy partisan leader, who found five or six people on the Democratic side of the aisle who could be lined up to vote for my programs, giving me enough votes to ignore everyone else.
I want to be remembered as the man who wiped the stain off the words "uni-literalism" and "iso-latte-ism". As the man who worked with our fiends over seas when they could be bullied into doing what we wanted to do all along.
I want to be dismembered as the man who remade the English Language in his own image - to be recalled for all time as the ecudation President, who pushed forward deforming the system, so no child will be left with a behind. (14) In fact, where there isn't a Left at all.
I want to be remembered as the man who passed a patient's bill of rights, enshrining the right to die, the right to pay and the right to profligat in the laws of this land.
I want to be remembered for that proud day, where we passed an ademdment to the constitution that declared forever, that the right to life begins at conception, and ends at birth. (15)
I want to be remembered as the man who intitsuited a simple, fair flat tax - where most Americans simply send their payroll checks flat out to Washington, and get back convenience checks to get cash advances on their next year's income tax rebate. By charging a market rat of 15% on these convenience checks, we encourage personal reponservility and gratitude. (16)
But all these accomplishments of my first term pale in comparison to the passage of the ten commandments to the constitution, forever assuring our place as a Christian Nation, and by the Great Compromise of 2005(17), where by "one acre - one vote" was established as the principle for electing the House of Representatives, and "one dollar - one vote" the interest for electing the Senate.
By this compromise, worked out over many long nights by the members of the Forbes 400, we found a way to bring together those who have great wealth because of resource raping of the land, and those who have great wealth because of squeezing the working class for food, gasoline, cigarettes and plastic gadgets for their kitchens. I think it is fair to say that we secured the blessings of representative plutocracy (18) for ourselves and our posteriors.
With this change in place, we were able to repeal the laws against extortion and bribery - allowing everyone to participlate - as politicians in Washington long had - in the soft money economy, and to take advantage of the sacred principle of quid pro quo. We all know that money talks louder than words, and now the law reflects that. (19)
With this change in place, we were able to repeal the Sherman Anti-Trust act, since no one trusted big corpsorations anyway. (20)
With this change in place, we were able to roll back a series of activist decisions by former supreme courts. We restored the corporate immunity to criminal liblility, stripped away by a liberal supreme court in 1909. (21) We restored a porksoration's due process right under the 14th amendment to make any profit the market would bear, taken away by a liberal supreme courts who turned their back on lazy's fair constitutionalism.
Now, if you according to pollsters, if you add up those who agree with the government's policies, plus those who slightly disagree, and those who only somewhat disagree - you will find that only 55% of the most partisan Americans disagree completely with them, leaving a healthly plurality that have moved on. That is what we are - movement conservatives. (22) And we are flush with our victories.
These accomplishments did not come easily, or cheaply.
Thanks to round the around the crock support from the patriotic billionaires who own the press we were able to prevail.
Thanks to Kathleen Harris who held us to the absurd of Law (23) - we were able to prevail.
Thanks to a supreme court that declared, in the fine contradiction of Dredd Scott v Stanford, (24) that the citizens of the United States have no constitutional right to vote in presidential elections - we were able to prevail. (25)
Thanks to networks that ran our press feeds without fact checking them - we were able to prevail.
That is why I am going be remembered as the Great Prevailicator. (26)
I want to remind all Americans, to avoid foreign entertainments, and to recall that the government that governs least, governs best (27) - so we should work for the day where there will be no government at all.
I want to remind all Americans that domeration in offense of liberty is no virtue, exteamism in pursuit of inanity is advice. (28)
God Bless America, for no one else seems to have a good word to say.
(1) FDR in his first inaugural stated "The nation calls for action".
(2) George Orwell - Animal Farm. On a wall are painted "The Seven Principles of Animalism" which is supposed to govern a farm of animals. One of these is "all animals are equal". Through the book principles are modified or dropped by the ruling pigs, to justify their actions. By the end, only one principle is left: "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."
(3) President Clinton presided over the longest expansion in US history. Expansions because of war - were the government spends heavily - are usually thought of as different from peace time expansions, since the latter is directly reflected in living standards.
(4) From the "Pledge of Allegiance", a small patriotic catechism that was popularised around the turn of the 20th century. Parodied in after Bush v Gore by some anonymous wit:
I pledge of allegiance, to the slag left by the screwnited dates of a murderer. And to the Republic for which it once stood One nation, under occupation, with as much liberty and justice you can afford.
(5) From Bush's own speech "I am a uniter, not a divider." Obviously referring to his father's Willie Horton ad.
(6)Winston Churchill - "This is not the end, nor the beginning of the end, but perhaps, it is the end of the beginning"
(7) In French, "manque" means "empty".
(8) This is one of the most famous Spoonerisms, Reverend Spooner's metastasis affliction was different from Dubya's, he switched sounds between words, and generally first letters. Thus a "spoonerism" is a witticism which swaps first letters, whether it was inteded as witty or not. The whole runs "You have deliberately tasted two whole worms, you were caught fighting a liar in the quad - I suggest you leave by the next town drain." In England a "Down Train" is a train going towards London.
(9) Deconstructionism is the name that Derrida gave to finding the "subtexts" of power that every text rested on. His idea was that the act of writing and disseminating was an imposition of power, and therefore all texts rested on some substructure of power.
(10) The economic principle of rewarding choices is, of course, fundamental to market economics. However, it does seem that choosing ones parents correctly is the single most important economic decision a person makes. I think I can congratulate the readers of this piece for wisely choosing not to be born in Ethiopa during the famine, or to an inhabitant of Penom Penh just before Pol Pot declared "year zero".
(11) The roll of corporations as fictional people has been a contentious one in Constitutional history, from the early decisions about where a corporate citizen was "located" for the purposes of where they could be sued, to the question of whether corporations had the immunities of several states, to the long battle over whether states could regulate corporations.
(12) AWOL of course.
(13) The "greenhouse" gases. These are gasses which allow light through, but absorb heat reflected back. Methane, in particular, is an aggressive greenhouse gas, however it breaks down far more quickly than CO2. The Kyoto protocol focuses on CO2 emissions.
(14) John Breux and Zell Miller particularly have proven that they are Democrats in Name only. Which is important for committee chairmanships and control of the majority, but hardly the kind of almost lock step unity the Republicans have shown.
(15) The "Right to Life" Amendment declares that life begins at conception, thus would outlaw most forms of birth control, since they can, by design or by accident, prevent a zygote from impanting.
(16) The Federal government is having to sell farm more bonds to cover the cost of the "rebate" checks. More bonds, mean they sell at lower prices. The lower the price the bond sells at, the higher the interest rate - since the interest rate is determined by the difference between the face value, what the government pays, and the price the buyer baid for the bond in the first place. Rubin's floating of the debt early on was one of the crucial steps in the economic recovery plan which knocked off billions in interest paid each year.
(17) The "Great Compromise" of the Constitution was merging the New Jersey and Virginia plans for how the Congress was to be formed. The New Jersey plan had ne vote for each state, where Virginia would have two houses, both apportioned by population of each state. The compromise was to have two houses, the senior of which would give 2 votes for each state, appointed by the legislatures, and the more frequently elected apportioned by population.
(18) From my own "The Revolution Itself" 1994
(19) Buckley v Valeo 1976 was a complex decision, which never the less stated the principle that you have a right to as much speech as you can afford. This was extended in First National Bank of Boston v Belloti where Powell, writing for a 5-4 majority overturned state laws regulating campaign financing.
(20) The Sherman Anti-Trust act was signed by Gorver Clevland, the only Democrat elected to the presidency who was allowed to serve in the late 19th century.
(21) New York Central & Hudson River Railroad v United States (1909) The common law rule is that corporations cannot be criminally liable.
(22) No joke, Jack Kemp and others have declared themselves "movement" conservatives - who believe in conservative thought as a "movement".
(24) In 1857 the supreme court issued a decision which stated that the Federal government could not bar slavery from its territories, and stated that anyone who - overturning the Missouri compromise of 1820, which barred slavery from territories north of Oklahoma, so long as Missouri could be admitted as a slave state.
(25) The individual citizen has no federal constitutional right to vote for electors for the President of the United States unless and until the state legislature chooses a statewide election as the means to implement its power to appoint members of the Electoral College. U.S. Const., Art. II, §1. This is the source for the statement in McPherson v. Blacker, 146 U.S. 1 , 35 (1892), that the State legislature's power to select the manner for appointing electors is plenary; it may, if it so chooses, select the electors itself, which indeed was the manner used by State legislatures in several States for many years after the Framing of our Constitution. Id., at 28-33. History has now favored the voter, and in each of the several States the citizens themselves vote for Presidential electors.
Bush v Gore - anonymous - 2000
Welcome to the Freeple's Republic.
(26) Reagan was called "The Great Communicator", for reasons which should be obvious - the media communications companies made a conscious decision to boost ratings by lionising him.
(27) "Word of Law" is a term of art in extreme fundamentalist circles. It refers to the idea that "the word made flesh" means that the bible is literally part of the godhead - "In the beginning there was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God." Kathleen Harris received flowers and telegrams of support for returning the nation to "The Word of Law" for her obstruction of recounts on the excuse that she was upholding the literal wording of the law. Subsequent investigations found that many of the other words of Florida Election law seemed to be a great deal more fluid in their meaning from Harris' viewpoint.
(28) Thomas Jefferson "That which governs best, governs least." Not one of his more logically sound propositions.
(29) Barry Goldwater's nomination speech to the Republican convention 1964.