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Ode to Geebie Weebie
Jacob "anti-Bush" Brisbine

GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb—I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of—I shouldn't call him my little brother--my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.
—The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000

To whom it may concern,

I wish to proclaim how ceaselessly in awe I am of our truly compassionate conservative and duly elected president. It's high time we had a dignified president to rescue us from this recession, fumigate the White House, and transcend this dismal period in our nation's history.

As GW articulated so eloquently, regarding the Lewinski scandal, "that's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century." Well, whatever century it is. You know what he means.

His plain-spoken "English" is something everyone can understand. He understands the plight of the common citizen. Reflected, for instance, in statements like the following:
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth."
"I understand small business growth. I was one."

His statements also suggest he has a firm grasp of issues on education:
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state."; "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"One reason I like to highlight reading is, reading is the beginnings of the ability to be a good student. And if you can't read, it's going to be hard to realize dreams; it's going to be hard to go to college. So when your teachers say, read—you ought to listen to her."
"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be—a literate country and a hopefuller country."
"Reading is the basics for all learning."

Geebie Weebie's mental prowess in matters of education apply equally in foreign affairs:
"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment."
"I don't want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace."
"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."

Moreover, his in depth knowledge in geography is sure to silence his critics and impress our foreign allies and enemies. With full mastery of the geography of his home state: "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."

He easily distinguishes between us and them. "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of. ... You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the 'evil empire' may have passed, evil still remains. We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for. ... We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low."

He continues, "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." He later stated, "But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the—that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans."

Moreover, GW understands foreign markets like a seasoned diplomat, "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." Furthermore, he has a voluminous vocabulary of foreign nationalities, "The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas."; "If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement."; "Kosovians can move back in."; and most important of all, Geebie Weebie admonishes us to "keep good relations with the Grecians."

Geebie Weebie, furthermore, distinguishes himself as an astute economist:
"Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open."
"I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here but at home."
"I mean, these good folks are revolutionizing how businesses conduct their business. And, like them, I am very optimistic about our position in the world and about its influence on the United States. We're concerned about the short-term economic news, but long-term I'm optimistic. And so, I hope investors, you know—secondly, I hope investors hold investments for periods of time—that I've always found the best investments are those that you salt away based on economics."
"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work"

Regarding the surplus, GW stated, "It's your money. You paid for it." Yeah. We paid for our money already. We should get it back. $1.6 trillion of it. We can hammer out a budget later. We trust ol' Weebie, don't we. His parents did pay for a business degree.

By now one begins to sense what an inexhaustible fountain of clarity and wisdom we are so privileged to have as president. Aside from his towering intellect, and despite his consistent record of cutting programs devoted to the health and education of America's children, and despite his unwavering support for state-sanctioned executions, Geebie Weebie is also a tireless defender of the sanctity of life. In terms everyone can easily understand, he carefully articulates his pro-life position: "My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness."

Standing as the pinnacle of morality he is, GW criticizes our nation's growing acceptance of those who dare start a family without the appropriate legal document and our reliance on birth control methods to curb unintended pregnancies: "I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked."

Yet GW's concern for life extends not only to those living in the womb, but also in that horrible chasm of technology: "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."

It's sometimes difficult to express Geebie Weebie's lofty degree of competence and his utter versatility. For instance, only the few who know him well are fully aware of what a constitutional scholar he has become throughout his distinguished political career. The following statements he made demonstrate his understanding of the separation of powers in the republic we have inherited: "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." Stated more concisely, "the legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law."

He further demonstrated his constitutional literacy when discussing the establishment clause of the First Amendment, "I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state." Yes, what would we do without the important "bridge between church and state." Probably similar to what we do without the important wall between rich and poor.

During a difficult confirmation process, GW aptly defended some of his more controversial appointments. Amid wild allegations that John Ashcroft was a Confederate sympathizer (though there was that high praise of Southern Partisan and Southern General's), GW dutifully defended his nominee for Attorney General: "If he's—the inference is that somehow he thinks slavery is a—is a noble institution I would—I would strongly reject that assumption—that John Ashcroft is a open-minded, inclusive person."

Moreover, amid allegations that Linda Chavez harbored an illegal immigrant ("I did not have employment-relations with that woman."), GW stated his unambiguous support for Labor Secretary, "I would have to ask the questioner. I haven't had a chance to ask the questioners the question they've been questioning. On the other hand, I firmly believe she'll be a fine secretary of labor. And I've got confidence in Linda Chavez. She is a—she'll bring an interesting perspective to the Labor Department." Later adding, "I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."

Some Americans engage in petty criticisms of Geeebie Weebie's rare lapses in grammar (e.g., "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."), his fumbling of issues (e.g., "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."), habit of stating the obvious ("I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."), rife use of logical contradictions (e.g., "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans."), inadvertently disclosing embarrassing information (e.g., "The woman who knew that I had dyslexia—I never interviewed her."), stuttering of ideas (e.g., "The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."), how he re-words the same statement (e.g., "Home is important. It's important to have a home."), his habit of using words inappropriately (e.g., "A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." or, similarly, "They said, 'You know, this issue doesn't seem to resignate with the people.' And I said, you know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn't matter to me, because I stand for doing what's the right thing, and what the right thing is hearing the voices of people who work."), making up his own words (e.g., "This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases."), stumbling over existing words (e.g., "My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt."), and proclivity to inexplicably trail off in different directions (e.g., The budget caps were busted, mightily so. And we are reviewing with people like Judd Gregg from New Hampshire and others some budgetary reform measures that will reinstate—you know, possibly reinstate budgetary discipline. But the caps no longer—the caps, I guess they're there. But they didn't mean much.") By doing so they overlook what a monumental leader he is.

Geebie Weebie has redefined what leadership is: "I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together." He is the kind of leader(ship) that instills us with great confidence: "I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."

In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate, GW said, "I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." Like any true leader, he clearly understands the value of trust, "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." He sure has a way with words.

During the debates GW demonstrated that he has an unparalleled command of the issues: "I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." When asked about his stance on affirmative action, he clearly articulated himself, "What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."

Prior to the Inauguration of Geebie Weebie, so welcomed by all Americans, he truly outdid himself. Spending time during a brief reprieve from his duties, in a time of reflection upon what this pivotal event would mean to those who elected him, he communicated in a manner few can, "Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to—I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."

What a true visionary he is. How could this election have been so close! The competition couldn't hope to compare. Those on the "fringe" who remain obstinate in the face of his awe inspiring, majestic, leviathan of a President, well, they "misunderestimated [him]."

Satirically yours,

Jacob "anti-Bush" Brisbine