Bushwhacked! The Fraud's 100 Day Report Card
Scott Lee radioleft@excite.com

It's just about time for School to end for another year, so here come the report cards. Now, The Fraud's actual enrollment in the School of Presidents is still in question, but for interest's sake we're going to issue his end of year performance report anyway. He calls it a "media marker". We think it's kind of scary. You be the judge.

ECONOMICS D-
Junior has clearly entered this program without the necessary skills to complete the course work. Just detecting a whiff in the air of a possible Bush presidency sent our formerly "robust" economy into tailspin, and even fits and starts in the market have failed to pull it out of a plunge. His home schooled Fuzzy Math has evidently retarded his understanding of economics. We should have seen the warning signs with his own failure-laden business life, but remedial action was not taken. Course repeat is recommended, but not on public time.

ENVIRONMENT F
Not only was his work here completely unsatisfactory, he was constantly disrupting the class. Fundamental principles of clean air and water seem to bypass his awareness. He was caught forcing some classmates to drink arsenic-laced water, and coerced others to inhale car exhaust, fanatically screaming something about adoring the "aroma of a good profit". When asked by the teacher for whom he was working - the people or big business - he was befuddled and ultimately unable to answer the question.

FOREIGN POLICY / CRISIS MANAGEMENT F
They say that love means never having to say you're sorry, but Junior doesn't know how to do either one. Being caught in flagrante delecto with his pants down around his ankles as a US spy plane was forced down over Chinese territory, he failed to know the first rule of handling an international confrontation - when the other guy has all the cards. This greatly concerned teachers, because advanced coursework involves the handling of weapons and possible use of heavy machinery, some of which have been destroyed or damaged during Junior's class time.

ENGLISH / COMMUNICATIONS I
Course work is still being completed, while Linguistic Experts have been summoned to try and determine exactly what language he is speaking.

SOCIAL SKILLS D
Junior has exhibited a dogged resistance to recognizing hypocrisy. He wants to get medieval on the asses of drug "offenders," while continuing to refuse to directly answer questions about his own drug use. People are doing hard time in federal and state prisons for substance abuse that gets little more than a quaint media note when practiced by his own daughter. Student clearly has a narrowly focused, almost aristocratic superiority complex to the rest of the class. He sees nothing wrong with claiming to "unite" while spouting divisionary rhetoric consigning Jews and homosexuals to hell, and balking at offering office space to non-Christian religions in his term paper, marked "Faith Based Initiative". Student simply does not work and play well with others.

CONCLUSIONS

While recognizing that Junior has a desire to succeed, it is clear from the abysmal performance in delineated courses that he is not up to the job. Teachers often suspect that his homework has been completed by one or both parents, instead of the student himself. On several occasions, homework assignments have been obviously plagiarized from classmates. When faced with adversity, the student is quick to outbursts of temper or attempts to draw attention to how well he colors in the lines. It is the recommendation of this board that the student be remanded to the previous academic level (Governor) until coursework and skills demonstrate aptitude for public service.

Fraud, take heart. Even though this report card averages out to about a .6 GP A, you should have no problem at all getting into the most prestigious university. After all, your last name is still Bush.