Two versions of "I am the Very Model" Melody: Gilbert & Sullivan (Author Unknown) [Instrumental intro] I am the very model of dispassionate conservative; My social views are so antique, they're stored in a preservative. I leave no child behind, provided it has income high enough... If kids have no insurance, why don't they go out and buy enough? I show a face that says to all, "this Bush, you have a winner with," A better choice than Al, if you want someone to have dinner with. My smile's as bogus as my claim my state has no pollution...er... [Pause] Except when doing duty as the Lord High Executioner. [Chorus] (Except when doing duty as the Lord High Executioner; Except when doing duty as the Lord High Executioner; Except when doing duty as the Lord High Execution-cutioner...) I rest on my credentials as a sound environmentalist: Of trees I want to save, to the Sierra Club I've sent a list. Attention to each species one can serve as an hors d'oeuvre I give... I am the very model of dispassionate conservative. [Chorus] (Attention to each species one can serve as an hors d'oeuvre he gives... He is the very model of dispassionate conservatives.) [Instrumental interlude] I am the very model of conservative dispassionate; And like my predecessor, I will feel your pain (but ration it). I am opposed to welfare: It's the source of sloth and torpor; it Is bad for our society...unless of course it's corporate. My victory depends on bringing charges quite sensational; I'm castigating Al each time he is exaggerational. Though I've invented nothing, I'm inventing fuzzy facts...and yet, It's questionable whether I could log on to the Internet. [Chorus] (It's questionable whether he could log on to the Internet; It's questionable whether he could log on to the Internet; It's questionable whether he could log on to the Inter-Internet...) With English as a second language, I am barely able to Disguise my plan as one you'd put a sympathetic label to, But if the voters write my check, you bet I will be cashin' it... I am the very model of conservative dispassionate. [Chorus] (But if the voters write his check, you bet he will be cashin' it... He is the very model of conservative dispassionate.) [Instrumental interlude...Slower] In fact, when I can render "Chernomyrdin" without drooling, or Can understand who Thomas and Scalia made their ruling for, Or understand my policies could well be bad for women, it Will be when I can breathe the Houston air, instead of swim in it... When I can make a budget out of numbers not so shifty, God May bless my State of Texas with a ranking beating fifty-odd; In short, when I recapture the intelligence I've been denied... [Pause] You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occupied. [Chorus] (You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occupied; You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occupied; You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occu-occupied...) If I beat Albert Gore though I have less than half his intellect, If, morning of the final count, I stand your President-elect, You'll spend four years regretting it, however you may fashion it... I am the very model of conservative dispassionate! [Chorus] (We'll spend four years regretting it, however we may fashion it... He is the very model of conservative dispassionate!) [Instrumental Conclusion] * * * * * * * * * * Number Two I am the very model of a candidate Republican; I'm running for the presidency 'cause my daddy said I can. I tout the NRA and quote the latest right-wing rhetoric. I don't eat Japanese food 'cause it made my daddy very sick. I'm very well acquainted with the CEOs of industry; They give me cash and I perform exactly what they want from me. I never have a moment's pause about the error of my ways; That's just the way we play the game of public service nowadays. [Chorus] That's just the way we play the game of public service nowadays! That's just the way we play the game of public service nowadays! That's just the way we play the game of public service nowa-nowadays! I don't like reading heavy books or working on that vision thing; It's easier to kowtow to the Christian Right on everything. And so, because I tend to do exactly what they say I can, I am the very model of a candidate Republican! [Chorus] And so, because he tends to do exactly what they say he can, He is the very model of a candidate Republican! I think kids will stop having sex if teachers just teach abstinence. (I never said my social programs actually would make sense). I've got a secret plan to combat gangs and teenage pregnancy: I'll use the budget surplus to give everybody free TV! I'm tough on drugs and like to cut state-funded treatment to the bone! Just throw 'em all in jail and they can figure it out on their own! I'm big on education and that's really not surprising, since I've got a somewhat shaky grasp of people's names and world events. [Chorus] He's got a somewhat shaky grasp of people's names and world events! He's got a somewhat shaky grasp of people's names and world events! He's got a somewhat shaky, shaky grasp of people's names and world events! I'm anti-gay and anti-choice and anti-anything you will, To prove myself in Texan terms I signed a concealed weapons bill. And so, because there's never any question I'm a manly man, I am the very model of a candidate Republican! [Chorus] And so, because there's never any question he's a manly man, He is the very model of a candidate Republican! I sort of missed a term in Vietnam for reasons various; It's not exactly wrong to say my young life was nefarious. But hey, I've changed my ways, and no one cares about that anymore; I'm not as bad as Clinton and I'm sexier than Albert Gore. Some say that I'm an amateur and this just makes me mighty sore; They ought to know I've been in politics since nineteen-ninety-four! I'm not quite cut out for the job but I'm one up on everyone: I'm cute and rich and best of all I'm President George Bush's son! [Chorus] He's cute and rich and best of all he's President George Bush's son! He's cute and rich and best of all he's President George Bush's son! He's cute and really really rich and best of all he's Poppy Bush's son! My brother's name is Jeb and he's the governor of Florida; The prospect of two Bushes in a row is even horrider! But just because the voting public really doesn't give a damn, I am the very model of a candidate Republican! [Chorus] But just because the voting public really doesn't give a damn, He is the very model of a candidate Republican!